After watching thousands of couples argue in his research lab, psychologist Dr. John Gottman made a startling discovery: he could predict whether a couple would divorce with over 90% accuracy—often within the first three minutes of observing them fight.
The secret wasn’t what they fought about. Every couple argues about money, chores, and in-laws. What mattered was how they fought.
Gottman identified four toxic communication patterns so destructive to relationships that he named them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” When these patterns become habitual, they erode the foundation of even the strongest relationships.
The good news? Each horseman has a proven antidote. Once you learn to spot these patterns in your own conflicts, you can consciously replace them with healthier alternatives.
Let’s break down each one.
Horseman #1: Criticism
What it looks like: Criticism attacks your partner’s character or personality, not just their behavior. It often starts with “You always…” or “You never…” and carries an undertone of blame.
Criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action: “I was worried when you didn’t call.” Criticism makes it personal: “You never think about anyone but yourself.”
Example of criticism:
“You forgot to take out the trash again. You’re so lazy. You never help around the house.”
See how it escalates from one missed chore to a sweeping judgment about who your partner is?
Why it’s toxic
Criticism puts your partner on the defensive immediately. When someone feels attacked at their core—not just for what they did, but for who they are—they stop listening and start protecting themselves. The conversation goes nowhere productive.
Over time, regular criticism chips away at your partner’s sense of being loved and accepted. It creates an atmosphere where one person is always on trial.
The antidote: Use a gentle startup
Instead of criticizing, express your feelings and needs using “I” statements. Focus on the specific behavior and what you need, not on your partner’s flaws.
The formula: “I feel [emotion] when [specific situation]. I need [what would help].”
Say this instead:
“I feel frustrated when the trash piles up. I need us to figure out a system so it gets taken out regularly.”
Notice the difference? You’re sharing your experience without attacking their character. You’re opening a door to problem-solving instead of slamming it shut.
More examples:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “You never listen to me.” | “I feel unheard right now. Can we put the phone down and talk?” |
| “You’re so careless with money.” | “I feel anxious when we overspend. Can we look at the budget together?” |
| “You always prioritize your friends over me.” | “I miss spending time with you. Can we plan a date night this week?” |
Horseman #2: Contempt
What it looks like: Contempt is criticism’s nastier sibling. It’s mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, and sneering. Contempt communicates disgust—the message that your partner is beneath you.
Example of contempt:
“Oh, you’re tired? You don’t even know what tired is. Try doing what I do all day. Must be nice to have such an easy life.” [eye roll]
Contempt drips with superiority. It says: I’m better than you, and you’re pathetic.
Why it’s the most dangerous
Gottman’s research found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It’s also linked to poor health outcomes—couples who express contempt toward each other get more colds, flu, and infections. That’s how toxic it is. It literally makes you sick.
Contempt destroys the positive regard you need to weather conflicts together. When you’re treated with disgust, you don’t feel like a team anymore—you feel like enemies.
The antidote: Build a culture of appreciation
You can’t just stop feeling contempt in the moment. It builds up over time from accumulated resentments. The real antidote is proactive: regularly remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and express appreciation for them.
Say this instead:
“I know you’ve been working hard too. We’re both exhausted. How can we help each other out?”
But more importantly, make appreciation a daily habit:
- “Thank you for handling dinner tonight.”
- “I noticed you cleaned up without me asking. That meant a lot.”
- “I appreciate how patient you are with the kids.”
The 5:1 ratio: Gottman’s research shows that stable relationships have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. When you’re low on deposits in the emotional bank account, withdrawals hit harder.
If you’re feeling contemptuous often, it’s a sign you’ve been keeping score of complaints and forgetting to tally the good. Make a conscious effort to look for things to appreciate.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
What it looks like: Defensiveness is the knee-jerk response when we feel accused. It’s making excuses, deflecting blame, or playing the victim—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
Example of defensiveness:
Partner: “Did you call the plumber like you said you would?” You: “I’ve been swamped at work! You know how busy I am. Why didn’t you call them?”
On the surface, defensiveness seems reasonable—you’re just explaining yourself, right? But what your partner hears is: “It’s not my fault, and actually, it’s your fault.”
Why it backfires
Defensiveness escalates conflicts. Instead of addressing the issue, you’re now arguing about who’s more to blame. Your partner feels dismissed, and the original problem remains unsolved.
Even when you are being unfairly criticized, defensiveness rarely helps. It just pours fuel on the fire.
The antidote: Take responsibility (even partial)
This doesn’t mean accepting blame for everything. It means finding the kernel of truth in your partner’s complaint and owning it.
Say this instead:
“You’re right, I forgot. I’m sorry—I should have set a reminder. I’ll call them first thing tomorrow.”
Even if you feel like your partner is being unfair, find something to take ownership of. It defuses the conflict and shows you’re on the same team.
More examples:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “It’s not my fault we’re late—you took forever!” | “I could have been more on top of us leaving on time.” |
| “I only said that because you started it.” | “You’re right, that came out harsher than I meant.” |
| “Well, you do the same thing!” | “Fair point. I’ll work on that.” |
Taking responsibility feels vulnerable, especially in the heat of an argument. But it’s also incredibly disarming. When one person drops their shield, the other often follows.
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
What it looks like: Stonewalling is shutting down. It’s turning away, refusing to respond, walking out mid-conversation, or giving the silent treatment. The stonewaller might look calm on the outside, but inside they’re often overwhelmed.
Example of stonewalling:
Partner: “Can we please talk about this?” You: [stares at phone, says nothing, leaves the room]
About 85% of stonewallers are men, according to Gottman’s research. But anyone can do it when they’re emotionally flooded.
Why it’s so hurtful
To the person being stonewalled, it feels like rejection—like they’re not even worth responding to. It shuts down any possibility of resolution and leaves the other person with nowhere to go but frustration.
But here’s the thing: stonewalling usually isn’t intentional cruelty. It happens when someone is so physiologically overwhelmed (heart racing, stress hormones surging) that they can’t process conversation anymore. They’re not stonewalling at you—they’re retreating from overload.
The antidote: Take a break (the right way)
When you feel yourself shutting down, call a timeout—but do it properly. Explain that you’re overwhelmed and need a break, commit to coming back, and actually return to the conversation later.
Say this instead:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now and I need a break. Can we pause and come back to this in 20 minutes?”
The key elements:
- Acknowledge what’s happening: “I’m overwhelmed” or “I’m flooded right now.”
- Request a break: Not a permanent exit—a pause.
- Set a time to return: This gives your partner security that you’re not abandoning them.
- Actually come back: Follow through.
During the break, do something calming that doesn’t stew over the argument—take a walk, listen to music, breathe deeply. Twenty minutes is usually enough for the stress hormones to subside.
Putting It All Together
The Four Horsemen often ride together. Criticism leads to defensiveness. Built-up resentment breeds contempt. Overwhelm triggers stonewalling. Once you recognize these patterns, you can interrupt the cycle.
Here’s the cheat sheet:
| Horseman | What it sounds like | The antidote |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | “You always/never…” | Gentle startup with “I” statements |
| Contempt | Mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling | Build appreciation daily |
| Defensiveness | “It’s not my fault…” | Take responsibility for your part |
| Stonewalling | Silence, walking away | Take a break with a return time |
The goal isn’t to never fight. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship worth having. The goal is to fight well—in ways that bring you closer instead of pushing you apart.
Start Breaking the Patterns Today
Change doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice to catch yourself before you criticize, to pause before you get defensive, to build appreciation when you’d rather keep score.
That’s where Woven can help.
Download Woven to get daily relationship exercises designed around Gottman’s research. Track your patterns, practice healthier communication, and build the skills that keep couples together.
Your fights don’t have to predict your future. With the right tools, they can make your relationship stronger.