You’re mid-argument. Maybe it’s about the dishes, maybe it’s about something bigger. Either way, you’re trying to work through it—and then it happens.
Your partner shuts down.
The wall goes up. They go quiet, their face goes blank, or they physically leave the room. You’re left talking to a ghost, feeling more alone than if they’d just yelled back.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Stonewalling—the technical term for this shutdown—happens in most relationships. Dr. John Gottman’s research found it in 85% of marriages. The problem isn’t that it happens. The problem is that most of us have no idea what to say when it does.
Here’s what actually works.
Why Your Partner Shuts Down (It’s Not What You Think)
Before we get to the scripts, you need to understand something: when your partner shuts down, they’re not giving you the silent treatment. They’re not punishing you. In most cases, they’re not even making a conscious choice.
They’re flooded.
Gottman’s research shows that stonewalling usually happens when someone’s heart rate exceeds 100 BPM during conflict. Their nervous system has flipped into fight-or-flight mode, except they’ve chosen “freeze” instead. Their prefrontal cortex—the part that handles rational conversation—has essentially gone offline.
This is especially common for people with:
- Avoidant attachment styles (learned early that emotions = danger)
- A history of volatile relationships (shutdown became a survival strategy)
- Anxiety about conflict (even healthy disagreement feels threatening)
Understanding this changes everything. Your partner isn’t stonewalling at you. Their brain is protecting them from what feels like a threat—even if that threat is just a conversation about who forgot to pay the electric bill.
This doesn’t mean you have to accept it. It means you need to approach it differently.
What NOT to Say (These Make It Worse)
Let’s start with the phrases that feel natural but almost always backfire.
“Can you just TALK to me?”
Why it fails: This puts pressure on someone whose system is already overwhelmed. It communicates that their current state is unacceptable, which increases shame and makes them shut down harder.
“Fine. I’ll just figure it out myself.”
Why it fails: Passive aggression registers as continued conflict. Their nervous system stays activated. Plus, it creates a pattern where stonewalling “works” to end arguments—which means it’ll happen more.
“You always do this.”
Why it fails: “Always” and “never” statements trigger defensiveness in anyone. For someone already flooded, it confirms their fear that they’re fundamentally failing at the relationship.
“Are you even listening to me?”
Why it fails: They’re probably not—because they can’t. Pointing this out doesn’t help them come back online. It just highlights the disconnect you’re both already feeling.
“We need to resolve this NOW.”
Why it fails: Urgency is the enemy here. Their system needs time to regulate. Demanding immediate resolution keeps the threat level high.
What TO Say: Scripts That Actually Work
Now for the part you came here for. These phrases are designed to de-escalate, create safety, and invite reconnection—without forcing it.
In the Moment
“I can see you’re overwhelmed. Let’s pause.”
This acknowledges what’s happening without judgment. You’re naming their state (overwhelmed) rather than their behavior (shutting down). It also puts you in the position of suggesting the pause, which feels less like abandonment and more like teamwork.
“I’m not going anywhere. Take the time you need.”
For someone with avoidant attachment, their worst fear is often that their shutdown will drive you away. This phrase directly counters that fear. It says: your nervous system response doesn’t change my commitment.
“This conversation matters to me, and so does your wellbeing. Let’s come back to this.”
This balances two things: the issue still needs to be addressed (you’re not just dropping it), AND their current state is being prioritized. It models that both things can be true.
“I love you. I’m going to give you some space, and I’ll check in [specific time].”
The “I love you” provides reassurance. The specific time prevents the pause from feeling like indefinite avoidance. It might sound like: “I’ll check in after dinner” or “Let’s try again in an hour.”
When You Come Back
“I want to understand what happened earlier. No pressure to solve anything—I just want to hear your experience.”
This removes the goal of “resolution” and replaces it with understanding. For someone who shuts down, the pressure to reach a conclusion can be the thing that triggers the shutdown. Taking that off the table opens space.
“What do you need from me when you’re feeling that flooded?”
This is huge. You’re asking them to help you help them. You’re treating them as the expert on their own experience. And you’re gathering information for next time.
“Was there something I said that felt like an attack? I want to know how it landed.”
This shows willingness to look at your own contribution. It also acknowledges that impact matters more than intent. Your partner may have felt attacked even if you didn’t intend it that way—and that’s valuable information.
If Stonewalling Is a Pattern
“I’ve noticed that sometimes during hard conversations, you go quiet and I feel really disconnected. Can we talk about that when things are calm?”
Notice: no blame, no “you always,” no demand to discuss it now. You’re naming what happens, sharing your experience of it, and requesting a conversation at a better time.
“I want us to get better at conflict together. Would you be open to trying something new next time things get heated?”
This frames it as a joint project, not a problem with them. And asking permission (“would you be open”) respects their autonomy.
The 20-Minute Rule
Here’s a practical tip from Gottman’s research: it takes at least 20 minutes for a flooded nervous system to return to baseline. Not 5 minutes. Not 10. Twenty, minimum—and often longer.
This means that when you take a break, it needs to be a real break. Not “let me just say one more thing.” Not sitting in tense silence in the same room. Actual physiological separation.
During the break, both of you should do something that calms your nervous system:
- Take a walk
- Listen to music
- Do some deep breathing
- Watch something distracting
What you shouldn’t do: ruminate on the argument, rehearse your points, or mentally compile evidence for why you’re right. That keeps your body activated and makes the return conversation harder.
What If You’re the One Who Shuts Down?
Maybe you read the first part of this article and thought: wait, I’m the one who does this.
Here’s a script for you to share with your partner:
“When I go quiet during arguments, I’m not trying to punish you or avoid the issue. My brain gets overwhelmed and I literally can’t access words. What would help me is if we can pause without it feeling like you’re giving up on me. I’ll always come back to the conversation—I just need time to regulate first.”
Sharing this before the next conflict gives your partner information they can use in the moment. It also shows them that your shutdown isn’t about them—which is often their deepest fear.
The Bigger Picture: Building a New Pattern
One conversation won’t fix this. Changing how you both handle conflict is a gradual process. But every time you navigate a shutdown with more skill, you’re building something:
Safety.
The more your partner experiences that shutting down doesn’t lead to abandonment, criticism, or escalation, the less their nervous system will need that defense. Over time, the threshold for flooding rises. The shutdowns become shorter, less frequent, or less complete.
You’re not just resolving individual arguments. You’re rewiring how conflict feels in your relationship.
That takes intention. It takes practice. And honestly, it helps to have support.
Build Better Conflict Habits with Woven
Navigating moments like these is exactly what Woven is designed for. The app gives you and your partner:
- Guided conversations for the topics that usually trigger conflict
- Research-backed prompts to keep discussions productive
- Tools for repair when things go sideways
You don’t have to figure this out alone—and you don’t have to wait until you’re in the middle of a shutdown to work on your communication.
Download Woven and start building the skills that turn conflict into connection.
Every relationship has hard moments. What matters is what you do with them.